You become what you hate

What happens now that you've become what you despised the most? How do you reconcile the difference? Why? What changed in you? Is this some obtuse method of healing?

Leaps

Do you want to take a leap of faith? Or become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone?

I'm leaping, because when I fall, its just a matter of picking myself up. As I recall it, regret lasts many lengths longer. Oh I remember the feeling alright, it eats at you every time you think about it. So I'd much rather crash and burn. I'm sure I could get myself back up. I hope.

Still, better than having to say you were the one that got away. Yea?
Fuck, what am I doing?

Lies and Deceit(Self)

You've made it very clear.
You think yourself wise and mature.
But clearly,
you've mistaken knowledge for wisdom,
Apathy for empathy,
Concept with application,
Suppression for Emotional maturity.
You mixed up the concepts of dreams and aspirations with an actual upbringing.
You're confused about what commitment is and yet believe others lack it.

You believe that an admission of flawed traits are akin to proper attempts at a solution.
You misunderstand that systems have evolved according to the environment. And not spontaneous manifestations of man.

Wisdom is knowledge applied appropriately.
Maturity is when acts benefit others and the greater good. Wisdom is to know what the greater good may be.
Maturity requires sacrifice not when it is convenient but when it is most difficult, even painful. Wisdom requires not only you evaluate and comprehend the world. You must also evaluate oneself at a level that is uncomfortable.

Maybe its time you woke up. We all live in a world that is ego-centric. Only the fool believes his view to be the one truth.

I know someone who is living for others day in and day out. The money goes not to self-achievement or fulfillment. It goes to the ones who need it more. They shed Effort, Sweat and Tears so that others may live life slightly more comfortably. Fun and enjoyment are secondary to the care of others. Yet in your eyes this being is the least evolved. The least mature and the weakest.
Your life may not have been smooth sailing as you would have liked. But for some others, they barely have a vessel to sail with. Yet they make do with what they have and they willingly carry others on board, because they CARE.

But not to worry. You are wise and mature. Very much so. Please carry on, obviously it is not you I refer to.

"You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions." - Naguib Mahfouz, writer

"From the errors of others, a wise man corrects his own." - Publilius Syrus

Enough

I think I've exhausted plenty of heart and energy as it is. Do I still see a point? No, not really.
Maybe we'll try plan B sometime in the future. Ignorance is apparently the key to this.
So says chairman Mao.
The most difficult thing is being able to hide all this and play it right.
Game theory, easy in theory. Difficult to pull off. Like a game of nuclear chicken. How do you push the other player into a mutually or unilaterally advantageous position? After you decide that, staying power and balls is the next key. Don't have that key right now. A drug isn't a key. What now?

Fuck this. I swore this would be more than a pussy diary. Something insightful, something only the clarity of physical exhaustion could bring. Seems we now know where the problem lies. Lack of any physical exhaustion makes the mind weak and the soul finding. Fuck. Stupid human.

FUUUUUUUUUU

lub-dub-ta-lub-dub

One of these days, your heart will stop and play its final beat.

I think my day will come soon. Too soon. But not soon enough.
Life is cheap, it is only worth something when the deeds we have done are of value and sufficient quantity. Life's real value comes at door's death, the one time we get to truly view our lives for what they are and what they are worth. We realise how much each grain of sand in our Hourglass was actually worth. But death is no salesman. You will bargain to buy sand but he will not sell.

lub-dub-ta-erk.
What will your final beat be like? In that last moments, will you raise the worth of your life or will you cheapen your pathetic existance?

Sorry

To whom it may concern,

I apologise. I've failed. Broken promises, walking blind.
So many things I've promised, so many words I've said that are emptier than a hole.
Why? I don't know. Life and Laziness gets in the way and you succumb.

Fuck, I never meant for this.
One crack destroys the whole structure. Shatters the entire viewing glass. Rocks the foundations to the core.

I"ll do better. Promise... This one isn't empty.

Sincerely,
Me

Grand Theft Cardiac

Give it back.
I want it in the same condition you got it.
Cracked, battered and in pieces.
Trust me, you don't want a piece of shit like that. Now do you?

When

The night has been to lonely and road has been too long.
Only for the Lucky and the strong.

Winter Winds

As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

We'll be washed and buried one day my girl
And the time we were given will be left for the world
The flesh that lived and loved will be eaten by plague
So let the memories be good for those who stay

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no"
Yes, my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Oh the shame that sent me off from the God that I once loved
Was the same that sent me into your arms
Oh and pestilence is won when you are lost and I am gone
And no hope, no hope will overcome

And if your strife strikes at your sleep
Remember spring swaps snow for leaves
You'll be happy and wholesome again
When the city clears and sun ascends

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no"

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Sick

The Human race makes me sick.
One of these days. Your heart will stop and play its final beat.
When the human race folds and can no longer play its hand. It will not be missed.

Demons and Devils have no choice because they are borne of evil. But the truly evil, are the ones who are born with a choice and choose only evil.
Greed and gluttony are sins only one species are fully capable of and you know which one.

Darkness

We are afraid of being in the dark because it reminds us of what is inside.

Who

Who are you really?

Why do you come along to disrupt this serenity?
This was all I had for comfort. A little peace and quiet in my heart was all I asked for. No need for perfection or completion. Just the nirvana of nothing. Just like the realms outside of consciousness we go there to surpass all emotions. So that we may transcend the emptiness. By being empty, we stop feeling empty.