I am no warrior.
I am no Poet.
I am weak.
I am empty.
I try not to give up.
Each day gets harder.
02 October 2011
Goddamnit
Waking up means feeling empty yet again.
There's only so much that I can distract myself with each day.
Eventually that shit still appears.
Fuck this.
There's only so much that I can distract myself with each day.
Eventually that shit still appears.
Fuck this.
Remember me.
Can I be the only hope for you?
Because you're the only hope for me.
And If we can't find where we belong.
We'll have to make it on our own.
Because you're the only hope for me.
And If we can't find where we belong.
We'll have to make it on our own.
30 September 2011
Shells
Empty, Hollow, Void.
What is it like to wake up each day with a gravitational singularity in your very being?
To feel hollow and empty on the inside with nothing to fill you in.
Each day you walk the earth seeking to fill that void. You try anything and everything. So long as it has the slightest possibility of fitting, you reach out and grab it.
Yet every time you do you realise black holes cannot be filled in. They simply devour what comes their way.
How do you fill a black hole?
What is the truth?
That a black hole cannot be filled in. That darkness is all consuming.
Not all wounds heal and no scars ever do.
What is it like to wake up each day with a gravitational singularity in your very being?
To feel hollow and empty on the inside with nothing to fill you in.
Each day you walk the earth seeking to fill that void. You try anything and everything. So long as it has the slightest possibility of fitting, you reach out and grab it.
Yet every time you do you realise black holes cannot be filled in. They simply devour what comes their way.
How do you fill a black hole?
What is the truth?
That a black hole cannot be filled in. That darkness is all consuming.
Not all wounds heal and no scars ever do.
Lost
Without direction or belonging. This is apart of the truth.
Trying too hard to find something thats lost.
Where Am I?
What now?
Trying too hard to find something thats lost.
Where Am I?
What now?
29 September 2011
Truth
Acceptance.
What allows us to see things clearly and for how they truly are.
It allows us a glimpse of the truth.
What is the truth?
Sobering. Depressing. Excruciating. Liberating?
That perhaps healing never began. That perhaps it never may.
Its the stuff in the basement that hasn't been cleared out. When you try you realize that its not a stack of inanimate objects. Its the beast it sleeps inside, sleeps with just one eye. Awaking when least expect. Striking when you least expect. Tormenting.
Then you realise all this, everything, was just a way to ignore the beast. Hiding a beast behind a bigger one. Playing Musical chairs until one or the other strikes viciously.
You bury yourself under the troubles of the world so that the beast is buried as well. Be careful, you might not dig yourself out. But the beast might. The weight of the world on my shoulders sometimes seems more than I can bear.
But it is my burden to bear. For if not I, who else will?
Who else will right my wrongs? Who else will right the world's wrongs?
Abba, give me strength. Forgive my sins.
What allows us to see things clearly and for how they truly are.
It allows us a glimpse of the truth.
What is the truth?
Sobering. Depressing. Excruciating. Liberating?
That perhaps healing never began. That perhaps it never may.
Its the stuff in the basement that hasn't been cleared out. When you try you realize that its not a stack of inanimate objects. Its the beast it sleeps inside, sleeps with just one eye. Awaking when least expect. Striking when you least expect. Tormenting.
Then you realise all this, everything, was just a way to ignore the beast. Hiding a beast behind a bigger one. Playing Musical chairs until one or the other strikes viciously.
You bury yourself under the troubles of the world so that the beast is buried as well. Be careful, you might not dig yourself out. But the beast might. The weight of the world on my shoulders sometimes seems more than I can bear.
But it is my burden to bear. For if not I, who else will?
Who else will right my wrongs? Who else will right the world's wrongs?
Abba, give me strength. Forgive my sins.
29 May 2011
23 January 2011
C is for Compassion
C is for the one of things that makes us human.
As primitive as our ability is to feel the pain of others,
it is still something that most of us are gifted with.
For a creature that is born into individuality and raised a singularity,
we have a most peculiar gift. We are given the tools to comphrehend and to some extent feel the pain of our fellow beings, to share in their sorrow and to partake in the communion of suffering.
We see their struggle, we feel for them. We may even attempt to help them if we can.
We might extend a shoulder, to lean on. Or our strength, to carry them in their time of need, like the foot prints in the sand.
Or sometimes, to help remove the splinter in their eye. To remove the source of that pain. Whatever the source may be.
As primitive as our ability is to feel the pain of others,
it is still something that most of us are gifted with.
For a creature that is born into individuality and raised a singularity,
we have a most peculiar gift. We are given the tools to comphrehend and to some extent feel the pain of our fellow beings, to share in their sorrow and to partake in the communion of suffering.
We see their struggle, we feel for them. We may even attempt to help them if we can.
We might extend a shoulder, to lean on. Or our strength, to carry them in their time of need, like the foot prints in the sand.
Or sometimes, to help remove the splinter in their eye. To remove the source of that pain. Whatever the source may be.
A is for Anger.
Anger, the physical manifestations of frustration.
Fear leads to anger,
Anger leads to hate,
Hate leads to suffering,
This is the path to the dark side.
Resentment and hatred that has manifested in way that is both scary and sad.
Like a beast that feeds on the living souls.
It subsists on lies and untruths to sustain it life-force.
Because the Ego-preservation requires that our actions that we cannot reconcile must be justified by all and any means necessary. When it happens that, that too is insufficient, we are left with a huge gap between our ideal-self and actual-self image. The mind repudiates such an inconsistency. Anger is the only solution left for a mind that will not accept reality. The bigger the discrepency, the worse the manifestions of anger.
There must be some huge discrepency going on for the things I have seen and heard.
Shock is replaced by disgust, but is quickly replaced with pity. For that must be some significant chasm that requires bridging.
Fear leads to anger,
Anger leads to hate,
Hate leads to suffering,
This is the path to the dark side.
Resentment and hatred that has manifested in way that is both scary and sad.
Like a beast that feeds on the living souls.
It subsists on lies and untruths to sustain it life-force.
Because the Ego-preservation requires that our actions that we cannot reconcile must be justified by all and any means necessary. When it happens that, that too is insufficient, we are left with a huge gap between our ideal-self and actual-self image. The mind repudiates such an inconsistency. Anger is the only solution left for a mind that will not accept reality. The bigger the discrepency, the worse the manifestions of anger.
There must be some huge discrepency going on for the things I have seen and heard.
Shock is replaced by disgust, but is quickly replaced with pity. For that must be some significant chasm that requires bridging.
22 January 2011
T is for Time
For the bank account,
In which each day we are credited with, 86 400.
We are free to use what of it we may.
But at the end of the day, what remains is wiped from our account.
We may not carry it forward.
For the thing that is supposed to be able to heal all wounds, yet doesn't.
But only because you won't let it.
For the things that we cannot reclaim, we cannot undo, or try again.
For the new things that await, may the mistakes of the past remain solely in our memory. May we start a new. The future is waiting. The present is now. We have only forward to go.
I know which direction I'm headed.
In which each day we are credited with, 86 400.
We are free to use what of it we may.
But at the end of the day, what remains is wiped from our account.
We may not carry it forward.
For the thing that is supposed to be able to heal all wounds, yet doesn't.
But only because you won't let it.
For the things that we cannot reclaim, we cannot undo, or try again.
For the new things that await, may the mistakes of the past remain solely in our memory. May we start a new. The future is waiting. The present is now. We have only forward to go.
I know which direction I'm headed.
21 January 2011
A is for Acceptance
According to the Kübler-Ross model, acceptance is the final stage of dealing with loss and grief. This is where an individual comes to terms with her current situation. No more Anger, Denial, Bargaining or Depression.
We come to terms with what is and what was. For a brief moment, we are granted the clarity of seeing the world without filters and bias. We see things for what they truly are. We see the Truth.
We come to terms with what is and what was. For a brief moment, we are granted the clarity of seeing the world without filters and bias. We see things for what they truly are. We see the Truth.
20 January 2011
R is for Regression
Not all progress is forward. Sometimes progress pulls you back a few steps, sometimes its all the way back to the start.
Perhaps its God's way of telling you to take it a step at a time. To fully review what has passed and to view what was once present in the context of what was once the future but is now the present.
We can choose to stay in this regressed state and mourn the loss of progress. To weep at the feet of devolution and allow it to wholly consume us and complete its decay.
Or rise above it.
Never Give in, Never Never never.
I'll fight, until I cant fight no more.
I'm Gonna Lie down,
Bleed a while.
I'm Gonna get up,
Fight some MORE!
Perhaps its God's way of telling you to take it a step at a time. To fully review what has passed and to view what was once present in the context of what was once the future but is now the present.
We can choose to stay in this regressed state and mourn the loss of progress. To weep at the feet of devolution and allow it to wholly consume us and complete its decay.
Or rise above it.
Never Give in, Never Never never.
I'll fight, until I cant fight no more.
I'm Gonna Lie down,
Bleed a while.
I'm Gonna get up,
Fight some MORE!
19 January 2011
S is for Suffering
It is the purest definition of penance. Repentance of sin and wrong doing by the experience of pain. To cleanse the soul by washing it out with hurt, pain and blood.
Without suffering, there can be no salvation.
Punish the body to Perfect the soul.
Without suffering, there can be no salvation.
Punish the body to Perfect the soul.
18 January 2011
I is for Illusion
Immaterial spectres we believe to be true and real but when confronted with the litmus test of reality, we see them crumble like the sand castles in the sky.
17 January 2011
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